the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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