dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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