I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
