i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
