I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
