In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
