It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
