weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
