Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
