just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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