Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't deserve a penis
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
