The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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