There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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