I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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