If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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