At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
