Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
