I am puke
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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