Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
