get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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