I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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