You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
