The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
