New invention idea: vibrating tampons
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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