I accidentally had phone sex last night
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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