textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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