Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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