Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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