I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
