Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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