That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
