She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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