Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
