Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
