I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Drake has all the answers
Randomize
