i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
