pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
your like the ambassador to my penis.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
