Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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