There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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