Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
