In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
