Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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