He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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