normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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