So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
