Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
