I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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