tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
