1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i will never coherently bang her
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
