the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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