it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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